What Questions Should Couples Discuss Before Engagement?

Engagement should not be used to begin learning whether a relationship is suitable for marriage.

Before making a public promise and investing in wedding plans, couples should discuss the realities that shape married life.

The purpose is not to eliminate uncertainty.

It is to make a wise decision based upon truth rather than assumption.

Faith

• What do you believe the Gospel is?
• How did you come to faith?
• What role does church play?
• How do you read Scripture and pray?
• Which doctrines matter most?
• How would we handle denominational differences?
• How would we form children spiritually?
• Are there major areas in which our stated faith and conduct conflict?

Shared identity as “Christian” needs definition.

Understanding of Marriage

• What is marriage?
• Why do you want to marry?
• What do permanence and fidelity mean?
• What would cause you to consider separation?
• How do you understand mutual sacrifice?
• What vows are you prepared to make?
• What expectations come from your culture or family?

Character

• How do you respond when wrong?
• Can you apologize without excuse?
• Do you keep commitments?
• How do you treat people who cannot benefit you?
• What recurring temptations affect you?
• Who can correct you?
• What do trusted people say about your character?

Conflict

• What happens when you are angry?
• Do you pursue, withdraw, yell, or become silent?
• How did your family handle disagreement?
• What topics are hardest to discuss?
• Can you disagree without contempt?
• Do either of you fear the other?
• Has there been intimidation, threat, property destruction, or violence?

Fear and coercion require immediate attention.

Communication

• Do you feel heard?
• Can you ask difficult questions?
• Are secrets present?
• How do you handle texting and social media?
• What information do you expect to keep private?
• How often do you need conversation and solitude?
• Can you speak about sex, money, and family without avoidance?

Family of Origin

• What was healthy in your family?
• What was painful?
• How involved will parents and siblings be?
• How will holidays be handled?
• Are there caregiving expectations?
• Does family provide money?
• Can either family pressure your decisions?
• Are there unresolved loyalties or conflicts?

Finances

• What are your income, debt, assets, and credit history?
• How do you budget?
• What does generosity mean?
• How much financial risk is acceptable?
• Will accounts be shared?
• How will large purchases be decided?
• Are there obligations to children or relatives?
• What lifestyle do you expect?

Full financial disclosure is essential.

Work and Vocation

• Which career goals matter?
• Is relocation likely?
• How many hours do you expect to work?
• How will education be funded?
• What if one career conflicts with the other?
• How do you view unpaid household labor?
• What role might ministry play?

Children

• Do you want children?
• What if infertility occurs?
• Are you open to adoption or fostering?
• What timing do you imagine?
• How would childcare work?
• How do you understand discipline and education?
• What if a child has significant disability?
• What if you disagree after marriage?

Sexuality

• What is your understanding of Christian sexual ethics?
• What boundaries are needed now?
• Is pornography present?
• Are there sexual health concerns?
• What expectations do you carry?
• Is there a history of coercion or abuse?
• Can consent and discomfort be discussed safely?
• Are there matters a clinician should help address?

Honesty should never become forced graphic disclosure.

Health

• Are there chronic illnesses?
• What medications are used?
• What mental-health concerns or treatment exist?
• Are there addictions?
• What family health history is important?
• How would caregiving affect marriage?
• Are both willing to seek help?

Past Relationships

• Have you been married?
• Are there children or legal obligations?
• What contact remains with former partners?
• What grief remains unresolved?
• Were there patterns that might repeat?
• What boundaries are appropriate?

Church and Community

• Where will you attend?
• How will you serve?
• Who are your close friends?
• Do friends support the relationship?
• Who will help when marriage is difficult?
• Are you willing to receive counseling?

Daily Life

• What does a normal week look like?
• How should household tasks be divided?
• What level of cleanliness do you expect?
• How do you use leisure?
• How much time is spent with friends?
• What habits involving alcohol, gaming, shopping, or technology need discussion?
• How will rest be protected?

Decision-Making

• How will major decisions be made?
• What happens during deadlock?
• Does one person expect final authority?
• Can each person say no safely?
• How will advice be sought?
• What does mutual submission mean?

Questions About Readiness

• Are we free to delay or end the relationship?
• Are we ignoring serious concerns because of time invested?
• Is anyone pressuring us?
• Do we know each other across stress, disappointment, and ordinary life?
• Do mature people see health?
• Are we expecting marriage to fix loneliness, lust, addiction, or insecurity?
• Are both people choosing marriage freely?

A proposal should not be a surprise concerning the direction of the relationship.

The timing and form may be surprising; the readiness should have been discussed.

Wise questions cannot guarantee the future.

They help a couple enter engagement with open eyes, honest hearts, and a clearer understanding of the covenant they are considering.